anonymous

The motivation behind this series is a love of sharing the unique nature in each of us through a shared vision and framework. The project is intended to be the antithesis of social media’s idea of community, where we tend to hide the parts of ourselves that carry a stigma, shame, or regret. Revealing something in each of us and then sharing it with the world.

Plate 1

菊与t鲤

I got a new tattoo, chrysanthemum flowers, and a carp,
which symbolize two parts of me: passion and sensitivity.

My sun sign is the fiery Leo. It’s confident, attention-seeking,
drama-adoring, loyal, and full of love. The chrysanthemum flower is like the ever-burning sun, the madly roaring lion.

My moon sign is the watery Pisces. It’s compassionate, artistic,
empathic, sensitive, and deeply emotional. The carp is like
the mysterious moon, the calmly flowing river.

Together it’s me, sometimes it’s sunny, and sometimes it rains.

Plate 2

Body Image

Counting carbs, eating disorders, diets, poor weight control, poor metabolism, and belly fat affect how you see your body. Maybe I shouldn’t eat because I don’t need to take insulin.

Self Worth

Your body doesn’t do what it should, you feel different than everyone else, and bullying affects how you value yourself. Am I worth the effort it takes?

Mental Health

Am I able? Am I healthy enough? Am I good enough? Am I broken? Should I have this? Can I fix it? It affects your mind. The thoughts don’t stop.

Physical Health

Nerve damage, kidney damage, eye damage, heart/blood vessel disease, skin conditions, and pregnancy complications, affect the future. I try not to think about it, but how can you not?

Plate 3

One possible journey

All my life, I have explored my body. There is too much to learn about it.

Many moments of pain limited my capacity to experience pleasure. I constantly run for it. It must be somewhere there. Maybe it’s related to perfection. Maybe with other people’s validation. Or, it’s directly connected with the assumption of the ideal of beauty.

Sometimes I don’t ask all these questions. These moments happen when two essential aspects get together – sexuality and creativity.

To me, the two terms are intertwined.

Sexuality is creativity, and creativity is sexuality. The excitement I feel in the process of creation is necessarily erotic. Being excited and proud of what is being created implies acceptance of oneself as a whole.

Making love with another person is an equally creative process – something like writing and telling stories. There are moles, scars, and scratches on the body. Those are the stories. Some other stories are in the form of novels or poems; they are narratives about some people. And humans are their minds and their bodies. Sexuality also involves the mind and body. Thus, through a complicated and long journey, I realized that I, like every other being, am a perfect whole. And as long as I feel the excitement of creating something beautiful and creative, it means that I am alive and that my life is worth living.

Plate 4

I grew up wanting to hide my vulva. It wasn’t especially ugly or unappealing, but I suppose I had limited understanding of what vulvas actually looked like and I was also conditioned to think all things sexual were a sin. So, if ever my inner labia peaked out, I was mortified!

Fast forward a few years, in my mid-twenties, I found myself off the grid in the jungle in Costa Rica alone for two days. What would anyone else do but draw their own genitals?! I sat there with a mirror and drew my vulva in several states. It was wonderful.

As the years went on I came to enjoy my vulva more and was less scared about hiding it. Then came pregnancy and childbirth. What a wild thing it was to give birth naturally and have my baby come through this amazing portal! I looked at it often after birth as I had two big tears and wanted to know what was happening down there.

It was like I owned a whole new and different vulva… it was more open, my labia were slightly different, I could see part of my anatomy I had never been able to see before! It took a long time to reintegrate this and actually feel sexual about my vulva again. What an incredible thing.

Plate 5

The Balance

Coming from the East with a huge cultural influence that acceptable moral standard is based upon collective society, I always have a strong feeling of wanting to please others and have their approval even to the point of feeling that I deserve validation, acceptance, love, and approval ONLY when someone else gives it to me.

Having been living in the West for so long now, the individualistic mindset has slowly taken over and I have come out from understanding self worth, knowing my passion, and learning/unlearning who I am as a person without all the cultural bondage and belief.

This is a hard one. Where I grew up from is part of me, where I am living now is also me. It is impossible to let go from one and completely embrace the other. I don’t want to choose and I don’t have to, it’s tiring and has completely worn me out. I need to learn to reconcile and acknowledge that both of these beliefs can be part of my life, I just need to find the balance.

Plate 6

I want to be chased and pursued, but not stalked and harassed
to be wanted and needed, but never worshipped to be your sun, moon,
and stars, but not shackled to you

I want your gaze and your mind for all time,
but I won’t spare you a single thought your hands, tongue, and lips all over my body, but I won’t reciprocate to share my body with you, but you will never own it

I want to be kept a secret, but I also want to be put on stage to be
your muse to be desired to be flirtatious to be myself without you,
but for you to be with only me.

Plate 7

Soft skin and rounded flesh create an inescapable prison
Fear is the guard
Walking the corridors of my mind
Singing songs of roles and expectations
Of confusion and lies

Nearly forty years into an unknown sentence
The terms of which have never been explained
I sit in silent mourning
For that small child with feelings and no words
For the teen who couldn’t see a future

A crack of light seeps in through the bars
Teasing of another world beyond
One of endless possibilities
Do I plan my escape or bide my time
Which path do I follow?

Plate 8

I am what you do not see

i am faceless another body taking up space in a room in your bed

I carry only silence never heard never seen, only desired

You do not see my horrors or my wounds I am only a faceless soul whispering in your mind as I pass you by

Inside my screams echo in an empty heart stripped of emotion by your every touch (or those lack thereof) years of abuse, neglect

Unwanted
Unworthy
Unloved
Left to the cold streets and even colder strangers

I am what you do not see

I am anonymous

Plate 9

How I express my love, my affection is giving. Giving of myself, my time, my skills and material possessions.I feel like I have so much to give, that I am overflowing. Yet here is the dichotomy. When it is time to give to myself I am empty, a hollowed-out husk.I cannot even conjure up, a measly amount of time to give to myself. And am left, worn out, and drained.

I am so full of confidence, I can do anything, be anyone. I dress the way I want, I speak my mind out loud. I am fearless, I am brave, I am bold. Yet here is the dichotomy.I am afraid of my own thoughts, my mind trapped and anxious within its own confines.I analyze every interaction, I rehearse any new meetings. Everything I do is a careful calculation of a paranoid mind. I’m a flirt, I am social, I am beautiful.

I make myself up, I carefully select my clothes and style. I carry myself in a manner that states that I’m worth something. Yet here is the dichotomy. Behind closed doors I hide my mirror, covering it with a cloth or turning it to the wall. I shower quick and with eyes closed ashamed of my body.I become crippled by my distaste for my own self I am trying to embrace myself and let go of myself at the same time.

So it makes sense that I feel wrapped in a constant state of opposition. I need to embrace who I want to be, who I am, and what I am capable of. While at the same time, I need to let go of my anxieties, my fear, my doubt. Easier said than done.

Plate 10

Anonymity allows me to be me for me.

Free from the self-imposed shame

ingrained/learned from a young age

Free of company politics if recognized

Free of the burden our spouse or family members might feel

if they knew

Free of the Social constraints imposed on us by others

Anonymous = freedom to just be

plate

Plate 11

I am a business-women, athlete, partner and step-mom.

It’s hard to juggle it all but I try to remind myself to prioritize my health, that is the key to my work-life-flow.

I can’t be all things to everyone but I can be the best version of myself!

Plate 12

ASHES

You weren’t there
that morning we scattered her ashes
buoyed in a watery froth amongst the majestic
blooms she loved
they float away
on a tide of tears.

You weren’t there
and now I know
that’s the way it has always been.

Now I know
through your eyes I was but a backdrop for
the illusion of you
a lens to magnify the dull of your
startling insignificance.

Excruciating for her to watch
bearing witness to a tragedy that turned her to ash
long before that morning.

She drifts there
forever
with the souls she knew and one she didn’t
in a watery paradise safe and warm because
you weren’t there.

Restorative breath of courage, I plunge
deep into a waterscape glittering with her
petals and thorns
wash together gorgeously
confidence blossoms
never again will I drown
in your judgment.

Now I know
that forever (and ever) I will
protect
honour
challenge and preserve
the worst of me the best of me
and love it all
to ashes.